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To Ellen Degeneres….

April 12, 2014

Here is the letter I’m sending to Ellen Degeneres. It’s about time I take control of my situation!

A letter to save my life and the lives of others…

“Hi Ellen!!” Please read that in the voice of the beloved character, Audrey Penny. Now while my introduction is meant to put a smile on your face and be silly, this is a very serious letter. 

Ellen, I’m appalled. Suicide prevention is something I feel isn’t taken very seriously. I feel almost as though the world rolls their eyes at people who are suicidal. I’ve been doing some “research” on the subject of suicide. It’s becoming an epidemic, if not already. I’m so saddened and worried at the same time. Not only are there a ton of people {a lot of them teenagers} committing suicide, but there are even more BULLIES out there. You know, the “internet trolls”. I can’t even get myself to read the horrific comments people leave. I just read about what kind of comments were being left. And it’s disgusting. 

Wikipedia has provided me with the information, and for some reason decided to make a section of “notable suicides”. ok. so, this bugs me for at least one reason. Notable suicides? As if, someone else’ suicide is not notable? dumb….

Hearing that the teens responsible for cyberbullying one particular girl to the brink of suicide are still harassing her…sickens me. I read somewhere a quote from a girl who admitted to bullying someone to the brink of suicide, she said “good, I’m glad she did it.”. Um….excuse me? What kind of people are these??? When did it become ok to talk, act and think like this? 

So, I have a history of suicide attempts. Four attempts to be exact. BUT, my attempts are not related to bullying. My attempts have been due to having chronic headaches since 2001 due to a brain surgery kind of going bad. It was a successful surgery in the sense that it accomplished what my neurosurgeon was hoping for, but unsuccessful in the sense that I have headaches all day everyday now and memory problems.

I don’t really feel like going into my story. This isn’t about me. This is about the bigger picture. Suicide Prevention. I’ve called the hotlines, and they suck. I’ve been hospitalized many times because I was feeling suicidal and its only a temporary fix. I may not know much about bullying as I wasn’t ever really bullied. But, I do know what it feels like to be so desperate, sad and alone that you just want to die. 

Ellen, I truly feel that my life has been spared for a reason. For a purpose. To stand up for those who have committed suicide and to be there for anyone who is considering it. Someone has to do it, so why not me? I have a blog, and I would love for you to see/read it. http://fireworkssparklerainbow.wordpress.com/ 

I love you and I hope to hear from you! 

Maggy Richards

So that was my letter. I hope she likes it. NOW, I need some help! Please help me get in contact with her! Re-Blog, or Re-Tweet this, please! I love all of my readers and even the non-readers {i guess, haha. jk}!!

“Warning”

April 10, 2014

When she woke in the morning
she knew that her life had passed her by.
And she called out a warning,
“Don’t ever let life pass you by.”

“Warning” by Incubus

Image

The above photo was taken on April 3rd, 2014. Exactly one week from today. I had just gotten home from my neurologists office. I had a good cry as I snuggled with my Ani girl and thought I would catch her sweet snuggles with a pic. I was crying because my neurologist basically confirmed that I did indeed have a seizure. I had to quit my job that day and I can’t drive for three months. I pretty much haven’t left my bed since.

I remembered the song “Warning” by Incubus today. The lyrics couldn’t ring truer for me at this moment in my life. I feel like I’m just allowing my life to crumble before me. I watch in awe as friends and family slowly {and not so slowly} back away from the train wreck that is my life. So, I could either A: continue on path “destroy Maggy” or B: keep fucking fighting. …….. I really want to do B. I just don’t know if I have any more fight left in me.

I was scheduled to have two EEG’s and then a follow up with my neurologist. And I was also set up to have my regular MRI to check on my tumor to make sure it’s the same. Well, yesterday I cancelled them all. Each doctors visit is a $40 copay. Between not being able to afford them all and not giving a shit if I died at this very moment, I cancelled them all. Why go? We know I had a seizure, I don’t really care to know where exactly it happened in my brain, etc. And I sure as hell do not want to be prescribed a medication for them. I’m done with meds.

To get back on track of this post, “don’t ever let life pass you by”…. I’m trying to set goals for myself. And I’m trying to get out of the house…. baby steps…

April 3, 2014

i can’t get myself to do much these days.

in the past year, my head/brain has endured 17 shock treatments, 2 concussions & at least one seizure.

i had an appointment with my neurologist this morning. she’s putting me on seizure meds as she is concerned this may become an issue {having seizures}.

i had to quit my part time job today.

and i can’t drive for 3 months.

my view on myself is quickly dwindling.

so, i sit here in my parents basement. at almost 30 years old. watching reruns of old tv sitcoms.

i just don’t see a reason.

what is my purpose?

to show people what NOT to do?

I continue to grow more and more bitter.

everyday I wake up & wish I hadn’t.

I can’t really write.

I haven’t taken any photos in FOREVER.

my brow is permanently furrowed.

i’m angry.

i told my mom today that I do have a huge regret. that if i could go back in time, I would go to 1996 and not tell a single soul about the noise in my ear {which led to the diagnosis of my brain tumor} and let nature take its course.

everyday i fight the urge to harm myself.

everyday i push suicidal thoughts away.

it feels like my memory is getting worse as well. i can barely recall what happened yesterday.

im just a miserable soul.

i have very few friends these days.

and i hardly talk to my family.

i just don’t see a purpose…

 

 

My Interpretation Of How Depression Feels…

January 19, 2014

 

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Respect For Oneself

January 19, 2014

Authentic, loving, genuine & nice.

The things that I don’t even think about twice.

I like to wear my heart on my fuckin’ sleeve,

call me emotional, its just the way that I be.

I try my hardest to be my own person,

I look towards the sky so things don’t worsen.

I try to treat everyone the way that I want to be treated.

Wait just a second, this shit’s ‘bout to get heated.

They fucking fried my brain seventeen different times,

call me crazy all you want but this one’s ’bout rhymes.

I’m normal as shit, if not more-so than yourself,

I see what all this is worth, remember oneself.

It’s about being comfortable in your own skin,

If you can love yourself, then you fucking win.

Before you can try to love anyone else,

learn to love you, that’s it, just yourself.

When you talk to yourself, as all of us do,

remember one thing, to think it all through.

For you are based off of all of your thoughts,

try to be kind to yourself if that’s all you gots.

Its amazing to me how mean we are to ourselves

its true, the biggest critic is you, so watch for the dwells.

The “What If’s” the “why me?’s” may still come out,

It’s all about belief or the harshest one, doubt.

So while I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be,

It’s not about the differences between you and me.

It’s about the love that we share in our hearts,

the common interests are glowing, the laughter off the charts.

I don’t give a shit about the color of your skin,

if both of us can get past that, then both of us win.

I care about who you are as an individual,

our faults as human beings is very forgivable.

So next time you say, “I hate myself” think twice,

stop in your tracks, and say something that is truly nice.

If you keep on doing this, and you keep on trying hard,

loving your self won’t be so difficult, its a nice change, a different card.

 

I hope that this rhyme really gets through to you,

what I’m trying to say, the thoughts I’m trying to stick to.

and maybe you will join me, in changing your thoughts,

to positive thinking, positive actions & simply loving lots.

Respect and love one another.

Happy Birthday Ani Delilah!!

December 24, 2013

ani.4.1

 

I love you with all my heart!!!

Our Universe

December 23, 2013

The absolute magnitude

I feel when you are near

It’s indescribable, your aptitude

It’s a whole new atmosphere

 

A constellation sketches out my heart

Forming a galaxy of love

This love is an art

I can’t help but gaze above

 

Gravity has no effect on me

I’m floating in pure bliss

Novas don’t have anything on we

Every time is like our first kiss

Pure Bliss….

December 20, 2013

onthewaytochapel

I’m living in what feels like a dream

I found my prince and married him

And I can’t help but let my happiness beam

We went to Vegas on a whim

8X10MrandMrs

We treat each other like gold, as it should be

I love him with all my heart

now there’s no “you” or “me” but instead it’s “we”

it’s hard when we’re apart

TBI’s & Suicidal Tendancies

September 28, 2013

I woke up this morning feeling rather suicidal. A feeling I am all too familiar with. I’ve always blamed things like: my headaches, my depression, etc. causing me to feel this way. I now know that 1 in 3 people who get a TBI become suicidal….and this makes so much sense to me! Especially since I’ve had multiple TBI’s. I’ve never understood why my brain continues to tell me “you need to die. you’re not going to get better. give up” and this TedTalks video explains this kind of behavior.

I’m not justifying my suicidal tendencies, rather just sharing information that is vital to my situation. I don’t expect people to understand, but to just be more open-minded. I didn’t choose to think this way. I didn’t ask for this bullshit. My brain has been damaged, and  I fear I am unrepairable.

I can’t help but cry every time I watch this video. For two reasons: I can completely relate to how Jane felt & I hope to one day conquer this battle just as she did….but I cry because I feel it’s hopeless. I cry because my brain has been telling me this shit for fourteen years now. {at least} I cry because I continue to experience non-stop headaches, memory loss,  mental fog & suicidal feelings. I cry because I don’t see a future for myself.  I haven’t in over a decade. I used to plan my future, now I dread it.

“I hate myself”, “I hope I die today”. Things that my brain has been telling me for so long. So long, in fact, that I believe those two statements. I can’t even begin to describe what it’s like to wake up, everyday, with a severe headache & suicidal thoughts. It’s a battle. A battle to live. I am my own worst enemy.

So, am I psychotic? No. Just damaged.

Do I believe I can overcome this? Honestly? No. I don’t have faith in myself. I don’t remember the last time I “believed” in myself. Literally. I hesitate to write out the next sentence: I honestly believe my death will, one day, be by suicide. That day is not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But I’ve always felt that’s the way I’m going to go. By my own hands. And perhaps it’s not from my many TBI’s, perhaps its because I was introduced to suicide being an easy way out of a sticky situation at a young age….either way, this is the way I think.

The Beginning & The End

September 24, 2013

This post will be brief. I don’t have it in me to go into detail as to what exactly “The Beginning & The End” means. Brief. Very Brief.

The Beginning:

AbeCloseUp2

Today is Abram’s birthday. He would be six years old. I love and miss this little boy.

The End:

In two days, on September 26th 2013, it will be two years since I broke up with Dale. I still struggle with this topic, but am doing better. But….the truth is, I love him. Always have, always will….

the struggle.

September 24, 2013

I struggle with my words.

To put to my feelings.

The lines all look blurred.

As I battle with these dealings.

The “why me”‘s are coming out.

The “how come”‘s are haunting me.

I want to fucking shout.

I want to fucking run free.

But I can’t. I’m trapped.

The words stuck on the tip of my tongue.

I’m lost in this, I’ve snapped.

It burns like I’ve been stung.

August 14, 2013

August 17, 2013

I’m trying to control the bitterness I feel
replace it with joy
and pray to stay real

my mind gets so cluttered
with old habits of negativity
it seems so absurd
but my thoughts are my gravity

they will either pull me up
or they will pull me down
it’s my choice, my cup
to wake with a smile or a frown

“fuckin’ A”

July 23, 2013

Life is crazy.

I feel like I’m standing around people without their knowing. I can see the self destructive things people do to themselves and the destructive things they do to others. I feel like I’ve burst out of my negative bubble, which is a fantastic thing! I’ve worked so hard to achieve this level of happiness. But then I see others around me struggling with what I struggled with. And it pains me. I give advice and tell them that they can reach the level I’m at too, just with a little work. And I see the pain in their eyes and remember how hard and how long I have worked at my issues. It’s a long, intimidating road to travel. But I assure you friends, you can reach your goals!

For approximately seventeen years, I had been telling myself “I hate myself”. YEARS and YEARS this went on. It became a habit. It became a truth in my eyes. I hated myself. It wasn’t until my last suicide attempt on May 25, 2013 that I realized I had to take control of my thoughts. Every time “I hate myself” popped into my head I would stop myself, say to myself “no, I don’t hate myself. I love myself because….” and I would insert something positive about me. And I just realized today that I don’t say “I hate myself” anymore. It’s not even a habit anymore. And better yet, I don’t believe it.

So, I’m reaching out to friends, loved ones, etc. who need my help. Helping helps the healing process. Let me help you and in turn help myself. I’m here for you. I promise. And while I may be busy these days, it doesn’t mean I care any less about anyone. I can always fit a friend in need in. :)

Fuckin’ A, people. Fuckin’ A. Life is CRAZY. But I’m happy to be part of it!

a happy kind of rage

July 3, 2013

happiness raging

throughout my soul

My body is aging

but I feel whole

.

I take a look

deep inside

I’m an open book

I don’t want to hide

.

Repairing the hurt

One step at a time

I must convert

and my heart will chime

My Lithium Quartz

June 29, 2013

Years ago I bought a stone from a small shop. It was advertised as a Lithium Quartz. I didn’t know much about it, but I was drawn to it. So I purchased it. This is my lithium quartz that I turned into a necklace:

lithium.quartz

It’s absolutely beautiful with a pinkish hue. I decided to look it up on the internet to see what kind of healing powers it has and this is some of what I found.

“It’s lovely healing energy aids self esteem, and may help you if you have self confidence or self worth issues. It will help to heal relationships of all kinds, including those with the people you work with, friendships, personal love relationships and most of all may aid you to feeling more loving towards yourself.” – http://www.healing-crystals-for-you.com/lithium-quartz.html

Can I say, this is the perfect stone for me?? wow. I knew when I purchased it that it’s supposed to aid in helping depression, but I had no idea about the “loving towards yourself”. I’ve been working on learning to love myself again, but it’s been hard. And the other day I decided to find this stone again {makes you curious, eh?}

I believe in the healing powers of stones. I really do. As I believe our higher power is the energy created by the Universe. {but that’s another post}. When I wear the necklace I can almost feel my heart differently. It beats a little faster, a little happier. :)

“Healing Crystals For You” also says: “The vibration of this stone may help with stress, depression and anxiety. It will move throughout your entire body, healing areas of the aura that need help and activating all of the chakras.” …. again, wow.

I’m wearing this stone for good!!!

June 27, 2013

Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.”
― Dorothy ParkerEnough Rope

Forgive-Learn From-Forget

June 26, 2013

Last night me and my friend Sarah hung out for the first time in months. She stayed with me pretty much the entire time I was going through ECT’s {shock therapy}. She took care of me, woke up at the ass crack of dawn to take me up to the hospital, we were together 24/7. So, last night we were talking about that time. Nearly everything she asked me if I remembered it, I didn’t. But when we got talking about the ECT part, the memories came rushing back. I remembered it, the headaches that heavy duty narcotics wouldn’t even touch, the memory loss, the “identity crisis”, the confusion, the “mental fog”, etc. Surprisingly I didn’t cry when the memories came back. However, this morning when I told all this to Dale I wasn’t talking. I was sobbing. Like the hardest I have ever cried in my life {no joke}. Because as I was telling him how I remembered all those side effects and how terrible they were, I remembered all the emotional pain it caused.

Once I calmed down I explained to Dale that although those memories are hard, at this time I’m not going to “forgive & forget”. I’m going to “forgive-learn from-forget”. I’m almost done with the forgiving part but at this time I choose not to forget. I explained it like this: I most definitely need to work on the forgiving part but I need to remember for a bit while I LEARN from it. Once I feel I have gotten all positive lessons out of it and any kind of peace with it, I will then be able to let it go.

my six month goals

June 26, 2013
in the next six months i will:

i: start researching going to college. I don’t care if it takes me a lot longer than your average joe. I want me an edumactation!

ii: start researching a move. left, right or middle? Left=Oregon, Right=Georgia and Middle=stay in Utah

iii: get a job.

iv: continue to fight the battle of depression. I’m kicking it’s ass now, and I’m determined to keep the ass kicking going!

v: find a non-profit organization to be part of. So many directions I could go with that one!

I’m determined to build the life I’ve always dreamt of. I may not be able to be a neurosurgeon like I had planned many years ago but I can still do something great with my life! Go Me Go! :)

I Continue To Rise…

June 26, 2013

Everyday, it’s getting easier for me to continue to rise above. I’ve been reborn from my ashes and I continue to do so. And while I may still be delicate to the situations, I am a much stronger person.

Looking Forward

June 6, 2013

I’ve spent too much time

dwelling on my past.

Re-hashing my fears

and putting myself last.

I’ve attempted to take my own life

four times now, too many.

Hurting my friends and loved ones

all the while unintentionally.

I have to be strong

if not for me but for them.

I’m retraining my brain

to love myself once again.

I beg for your forgiveness

this time I’m trying hard.

And not just trying but doing

I’m choosing a different card.

If I keep looking in the rear view mirror

I’m destined to crash.

So I’m focusing on the present and future

And I’m not putting myself last.

So fare-thee-well B.O.B. (my brain tumor)

you’re not a problem, just a pest.

I can’t keep thinking of you

I’m winning your stupid test.

An Amazing Person…

June 6, 2013

I am in love with an amazing person…My Cocobear AKA Bummy Head AKA Cory is one of the best peoples I’ve ever known. For serious.

Photo on 12-29-12 at 10.07 PM #2

I just got out of the hospital this week and we got a chance to hang out. For some reason I was under the impression that he didn’t know about my suicide attempt on the 25th {yes, my birthday….lame decision}. We were just snuggling and he went on to tell me that he’s seen a huge improvement with my depression & anxiety. He told me how proud of me he is & how he’s glad that I don’t seem to be on the roller coaster of emotions that I had been on, etc. etc. etc. He mentioned that he is happy to be there for me. And he always is. I just kind of chuckled at his comment of me being off of the rollar coaster {as I thought he didn’t know about the suicide attempt}. He asked me what I was chuckling about, and I told him it was nothing.

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“You’re amazing…” is what I told him. My heart was just bursting with love and appreciation as I stared into his beautiful eyes … <3 <3 <3 And I know he’s there for me. He’s shown me so many times how supportive he is. And I’m there/here/everywhere for him too. It’s a mutual support system. It’s quite simple, really. We are just there for each other.

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I just love our connection. We are so very silly together! We enjoy talking in hilarious voices {or so we think that they’re hilarious}, and…well, just being silly. Haha.  And yet, when life calls for the hard times to happen, we are very much supportive of each other. He has been there so much for me, like taking me to the hospital quite a few times this year, being supportive of me during my E.C.T. and most importantly being supportive of me in the present time.

Photo on 12-29-12 at 10.06 PM

My heart feels so good when he says “I love you so much” because I love him so much too. He’ll always be my Bummy Head and I’ll always be his Silly Poopy Head :)

scared shitless….

April 14, 2013

I’m scared shitless now….

I feel afraid of ECT {shock therapy} now.

Last night I was taken by ambulance to the hospital…

I was standing in my parents kitchen when I just passed out and fell into the kitchen floor and smashed my face up. My glasses are destroyed.  I was hysterical. I’m so thankful that my parents were home and were able to call 9-1-1 pretty quick.

I’m in a lot of pain and I’m a little confused still.

oh, and not to mention, I’m scared shitless now…. :(

There’s A First For Everything…

March 25, 2013

My last post about Cory was just too short for everything that he has done for me. This will be a more “in depth” post of our very special friendship.

Cory & I met in August when I joined the Boppin Betties. He works at the cafe that the Boppin Betties would meet at all the time. He and I became good friends pretty quickly.

—There’s so much I want to write about him, I can’t keep all the thoughts straight to put them in order, bare with me—

Cory & Maggy.II

Cory and I hit it off from the very beginning. It felt like we had known each other forever. We started calling each other nicknames, kissing on the lips, and texting all the time. We even tell each other “I love you”. We had only known each other for about four months before my ECT treatment began. DISCLAIMER: I am aware that everyone has a life of their own, thank you. I’m only saying this next part because its the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts. He and one other person {that I had only known a few weeks when ECT started but am no longer friends with} were the only consistent friends I had. They both were there for me 24/7 for the two months I was doing ECT. And when I say 24/7, I’m not kidding. I am so grateful that I had him there with me during those very trying times. Especially since I didn’t even receive a text, email, fb post or any kind of correspondance from most of my friends {please refer back to the disclaimer}.

I refuse to dwell on the lack of contact from others but instead I am going to treasure the time spent with Cory while trying to piece my life back together.  I’ve thanked him several times for helping me and being there. His response? “Just doing what I can”. …. <3 <3 <3 That to me, is a true friend. Not only did he check up on how I was doing, but he was there every step of the way.  He was even in the room with me while they did the ECT a couple of times.

Regardless, he has shown me true friendship. He loves me, takes care of me, I take care of him and we just make sure each other are doing the best we can. And when one of us are not doing good, we get together to try and make things better. So, I’ve learned, there is a first for everything. And Cory has been the first friend that has not only been there for me, but has supported me and continued to support me after all of my craziness. We truly are two peas in a pod.

{Embrace Happiness}

March 16, 2013

embracehappiness

Tonight I am embracing the happiness that my heart is experiencing.

Words being whispered, “Hey Love” & “I missed you”, make my heart squirm.

Squirm both in that wonderful way of a possibly blossoming relationship. But squirming also in the sense that I’m scared of being hurt.

But tonight I’m not focusing on either necessarily, I’m just embracing the happiness in my heart.

A ~fantastic~ Update!

March 14, 2013

drseussyouerquote

Since I was hospitalized in early January 2013 and started ECT {I am now done with my series, I had a total of 10 ECT procedures} I can honestly say that I have not have one suicidal thought. My negativity is nearly gone, anytime a negative thoughts creeps into my mind, I simply switch it to a happy thought. I’m feeling so good these days even though life {with or without health issues} is tough. For everyone. Not just me. And I truly feel that I didn’t recognized that before. I was just so focused on me and my issues. Well folks, I’m a changed person! And for the better, too! I don’t think I’ve been this content in my ENTIRE life! I’m able to deal with my headaches and memory issues a lot better since I’m not so consumed by suicidal/hateful thoughts.

While things seem to be going pretty well, I am still dealing with some difficult things in my life right now. I’m not going to go into detail because I just don’t feel like writing about it all, maybe one day. For now, this post is going to be a happy one.

Things to be grateful for:

  • My loving parents who have been by my side for as long as I can remember.
  • My five siblings. All love me so deeply and are always there for me.
  • My twenty-two {so far} nieces and nephews, they bring joy into my life.
  • My loving friends, some come and some go. But the ones who have stayed with me through all my struggles really help me to stay strong.
  • My Ani girl. She’s the best dog I’ve ever met. She’s so loving and is always happy to see me!
  • My friendship with Dale. It feels so nice to have him back in my life. It was so hard when we didn’t see each other or talk for a while there. It just feels natural to be in each other’s lives in some way.
  • My little house, that’s all mine! {except its really the landlords}
  • The fact that I’m on disability. With all of my health issues I am so grateful to be on disability as I would be homeless right now if I weren’t!
  • My LIFE!

My Summarized List…

March 11, 2013
tags:

I’m having a hard time lately with knowing what to write. I have a lot of feelings stored up inside, but I’ve changed. I don’t want to put everything out there for anyone to read. I’ve started a folder on my laptop that is just for my personal writings. It feels good to continue to write, but at the same time I’m a little sad I don’t want to publish them on here. Oh well….

I’m working hard on remembering where I’ve come from and what I’ve done. With hopes that this time I won’t let them consume me but simply learn from them. I have a document on my laptop that’s called “My Life Summarized” and I plan on going through my blog, month by month, year by year. And I’m going to find the main points in my life. I’ve already got a few obvious ones but need to do more research.

I will not, I repeat, will not let the past events bring me down again. I’m going to embrace them as they have brought me to where I am today and have sculpted me into the person I am today. Wish me luck, I know this wont be an easy experience…

 

It’s Gonna Be A Good Day…

March 3, 2013

I woke up next to my cuddle buddy early this morning, I realized that I needed to get home to Ani. “I gotta go” I said to a half asleep, half awake cutie pie. We kissed goodbye, “I love you” we each said. And off I went into the early day. It was raining, still is, and it’s beautiful…Something about today…..it’s going to be a good one :) I got home took care of my Ani girl and I actually started cleaning my house! Holy shit, I don’t know what it is about today. But it’s already been a good one and it continues to be.

RainyDay

Rinse & Repeat…Myself

March 2, 2013

This couldn’t be truer for me right now!

Amnesia & Deja vu

My memory is absolutely terrible right now. But, I’m not letting it bother me. I know its temporary {as it is slowly getting better}. I have such big plans for myself once I can remember things :)

I’m going to go back to school to be either:

A: Graphic Design
B: Medical Billing {get certified}
C: Get certified in Skydiving {become an instructor or a tandem jumper}
D: Radiology Technician

I’m truly considering doing either A, B or D and do C regardless.

OH! While I’m remembering, I would like to announce that I have not had a suicidal thought or plan since the beginning of January {I believe}! That’s AMAZING, considering I was having them all day, everyday before.

Navigation: So one thing that is annoying, but I find hilarious {because really, I could either laugh about it or whine about it. I’d prefer to laugh}. I have to use my navigation anywhere I go. And I mean anywhere. Lately I have been practicing going home without it, but it makes me nervous. It’s weird because sometimes it just hits me: BAM! and everything looks unfamiliar. It’s freaky, but doesn’t happen too often and doesn’t last very long. My issue is locating the memory I’m looking for. So, I’m looking for some kind of book, book on tape, class, whatever that helps heal the brain after something as traumatic as ECT.

Change: I’ve noticed a change in my personality. I mean, I’m still the same old me, but not at the same time. I get awkward in social situations. Which is soooo very unlike the “Pre-ECT” Maggy. And while there is a sliver of disappointment in myself, I’m just going with it all. I keep reminding myself, I am led to where I am meant to be. And instead of dwelling on the “issues” I’m experiencing, I’m choosing to roll with the punches!

One Of My Besties

March 1, 2013

Cory & Maggy.IIThank You Cory, for always being there for me :) I love you!!! :)

 

A Ray Of Sunlight

February 28, 2013

When I started, I was in the dark.

While going through it, I was confused.

Now that I’m almost done, I see a ray of sunlight.

One that I’ve never seen before.

ir·ra·tio·nal adjective \i-ˈra-sh(ə-)nəl, ˌi(r)-\

February 26, 2013

I know that lately I have been slightly “irrational”. I’ve posted some hurtful things. Not on purpose, just posting how I feel. Everyone interprets things the way they want to interpret. So, interpret away…

  • I don’t want people to think I’m all about me. I’m not. But right now, I am focusing on getting better. So, at the moment, I am a little “all about me”. I have to take care of myself as I am the only one who can.
  • I understand everyone has a life. I don’t expect people to drop everything for me. I’m just a little sad by some.
  • And yes, I have been reaching out to people. But at the same time, I’ve been avoiding people too. Shock therapy has made me a little insecure simply because people now look at me like I should have been in the movie “One who flew over the cuckoo’s nest”.

It’s just this: only people who themselves have gone through ECT know exactly what I’m talking about. ECT changes you. duh. That’s what it’s meant to do. However, even though the changes are good, they can still be difficult to deal with. I don’t feel like the same old Maggy. Because I’m not. I’m uncomfortable at the moment because I’m trying to remember who I am and also trying to create who it is I want to be.

Right now: I feel like a completely different person. I feel scared. I feel alone. I feel misunderstood.

I can feel my negativity and depression slowly creeping back in. And this is so frustrating to me…I’m thinking I may need another series of treatments. I’m going to talk to my doctor about possibly doing another series instead of just being on “maintenance”. It depresses me to think that I may be having another series done. Why? Well, that means another month or so of my life that I won’t remember. Having to deal with the memory issues again, possibly losing my job (I have a new one) again, losing more friends, etc. What’s depressing about it this time is I will have to stay in the hospital the whole time as I don’t have anyone to stay with me 24/7.

But at this current moment, I’m sticking with maintenance unless things get worse.

I’m keeping my chin up, reminding myself that everyone’s lives have up’s and downs. I am no different. :)

~peace~

 

A Hard Lesson To Learn.

February 22, 2013

With everything that I’ve been going through the past couple of months, it has become clear to me who is truly there for me and who could care less. And while this has been a painful lesson, I suppose it’s good too. I don’t want or need to be friends with people who don’t truly care about me. And I’m not asking for people to drop everything for me, I promise. A simple phone call, text, or Facebook message would do. And I’ve yet to hear anything from some people.

In this time of my life, I really need support. I am so very blessed for all the people in my life who are truly there for me. I have a lot of support. But when I don’t hear anything from some people, it just makes me re-think our friendship. A lot. I’m considering un-friending {either on Facebook, in life, or both} some people. As it has become crystal clear to me where I stand in their lives. I’m just one of those people that if I knew a friend were going through ECT {or any other type of scary/extreme/stress inducing thing}, I’d at least send a text saying “how are you”. But you know what? I’m the type of person who would go beyond that and at least call them.

I just think it’s sad that some of the people that have been there for me the most in the last couple of months, I’ve known for a very little amount of time. And it’s even more sad to me that some of those that have known me for a longer time haven’t said one word to me.

What a hard lesson to learn…..

Keeping my chin up….

 

The Latest

February 21, 2013

I had an appointment with my ECT doctor today to go over whether or not I will continue doing ECT. We decided that I am done with my series {where they due a lot of ECT’s in a short period of time} and move on to “maintenance”  ECT’s. These will start out at 2 weeks apart and slowly over time will get further and further apart until I will no longer need any. I’m very hopeful about this treatment! I have an appointment for another ECT next week and while I’ve already done nine of these, I still get nervous. I know what the side effects are and how harsh they are right after the treatment. But I just have to remind myself that the side effects are temporary.

I went and hung out with Dale for a bit and I said to him, “I see a bright future”. And both of us were shocked right after I said that. We both knew what a huge change that is for me. I then turned to Dale and said, “Dale, you’re my best friend”. I told him how he’s always been there for me in every way. How he’s never judged me or looked down on me because of my health issues. And that’s when the tears started. I couldn’t help it. It’s been overwhelming losing friends or friendships just becoming flat out awkward. But then the tears turned to happy tears, I could and can truly see a bright future ahead of me. I still have a ways to go but I’m beating it this time!

And that’s the latest :)

My Next Tattoo….

February 19, 2013

A Phoenix Rising Out Of It’s Own Ashes, Being Struck By Lightning

phoenix.lightning

So, I just found some images that I like on the internet. This isn’t going to be an exact version of what I’m getting tattooed. Just there to give you all some kind of an idea of what I see in my mind.

I truly think that after this tattoo is completed {somewhere far in the future….it’s going to be expensive, and huge} it will end up being my favorite. It has the most meaning to me. It has the most thought put into it. In case some of you don’t understand the meaning of either, I will explain. The phoenix is part of Greek Mythology. It is a long lived bird that is reborn from it’s own ashes, it symbolizes rebirth. As we all know, I am going through what I consider, my rebirth. I am rising out of the ashes of my previous, negative self and being reborn into something greater. Now, as far as the lightning goes that’s simple. I’m going through ECT {shock therapy} right now to help me be “reborn”. That’s what the lightning symbolizes to me.

I want the tattoo placed on my left thigh, like this:

thigh tattoo

I want it “large & in charge” :) Just like this. Like I said, I think once this tattoo is completed, it will end up being my favorite!

{I can’t wait!}

Create It. Control It. Own It.

February 18, 2013

Create It:

A new, positive perspective on life.

Control It:

Don’t allow the negativity to drive me.

Own It:

Be proud that I’m not only trying, but doing.

Learning To Trust My Gut Instinct…

February 18, 2013

With going through shock therapy recently, my memory is absolutely terrible. I had a small situation happen the other day that made me realize that I need to learn how to trust my gut instinct. I was driving in my neighborhood and there is this one road that my navigation doesnt recognize. Deep in my gut, I knew that I had used that road previously.

I went with my gut feeling and took the road anyway. It all came flooding back to me which roads I used from there and where they would lead me. It was quite…..wonderful to have that feeling. The feeling of trusting and believing myself. I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced that feeling in my entire lifetime.

Speaking of good feelings, I haven’t had one suicidal thought since going through shock therapy! This is an extraordinarily surprising thing as I have been plagued with thoughts and plans of suicide since I was about fifteen. And while I am still struggling with the feelings of depression, I feel a whole lot better! I have an appointment with my ECT doctor this week and we’re going to go over whether or not I will be having more ECT’s done. I personally feel that I should have at least a couple more. I’m already feeling so positive compared to what I was before ECT and people are noticing it as well. This tells me that the treatment is working.

I really feel that this is my second chance in life. My second chance at becoming who it is I truly want and need to be. And what I’ve always wanted to be is educated, independent, positive, loving, and every other good thing someone can be! No more negativity, no more hatred, just love. I’m “reconnecting” with all of my friends. I say “reconnecting” because to them it’s not reconnecting because their brains haven’t been shocked to the point that meeting an old friend to me feels almost like the first time but having all sorts of memories and love for them :) haha. I love this constant feeling of an “epiphany” that I keep having! Like when I see an old friend, it’s like “Oh yeah! We’ve known each other  for years and we went to this concert together” Or “oh yeah, I love this song!”. I’m savoring every moment of these happy feelings…

Cheers to second chances and learning to trust my gut instinct!

Not Much To Say…

February 16, 2013

…except, it sucks having headaches constantly. It sucks not having a fucking memory….but, I’m still alive and kicking.

Trying To Not Feel Rejected….

February 4, 2013

…..I’m trying to keep my head up during this time. It’s just…..not only am I going through ECT right now, I lost my job, I’ve lost friends and even some of my own family un-friended me from Facebook. I’m trying my hardest to keep my head up. To keep pushing forward.

This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.

It’s been a month???!

February 4, 2013

It was brought to my attention today that I have had 9 (?) ECT’s. I’ve been doing it for approximately four weeks…..and I got to tell you, it doesn’t feel like it’s been four weeks! It feels like I’ve had one treatment so far….it’s all a blur. It feels like I’ve only been doing it for a week. It’s crazy to realize that it’s February already!

I went and had a long talk with Dale last night. He reassured me that I’m headed in the right direction. He told me of the positive change he’s seen in me so far. And in this moment, I am happy with the way things are. I still have a bit to go, but I know I can do this! I will not allow depression to consume me anymore. I am taking back my life and am turning it into exactly what I want.

I’ve been very honest with this whole ECT thing from the get go. I had someone message me on Facebook the other day asking me if I was doing ECT. I responded “Sure am”. This person then went on to say that his daughter was going through ECT as well. We discussed some of the side effects from it and it felt so good to talk with someone who was going through it as well.

It’s a pretty damn scary thing, to tell you the truth. They are, after all, inducing seizures in my brain. I feel like complete shit after todays treatment….my head is killing me. BUT, I’m pretty sure I’m feeling better.

I can’t wait for my next tattoo. I’m going to get a phoenix rising out of its ashes, being struck by lightening. This is to represent how I am being “reborn” as a result of the ECT. I still have a bit of recovery time, but I’m over the hump! I can do this, I know I can!!

confusion…

February 2, 2013

….i’m drowning in my own confusion. its interesting being shoved back into a life that you don’t remember. Having to pick up the pieces that you just aren’t sure of. Having to read your own blog to get to know yourself again…..fuckin’ bizarre I tell you what.

Shock therapy is a lot more than what I expected. A lot more confusion than I expected. A lot more……where was I going with that sentence? I lose my track of thought constantly. I’m repeating myself constantly.

Everything is so frustrating right now. I lost my job, even after my sweet employer told me my job was safe. I can’t live by myself like I have been, I have to have a friend stay with me. It’s weird going from super independent to super….not.

All of this has inspired my next tattoo. I’m going to get a phoenix rising out of its ashes, being struck by lightening. And it’s going on my thigh. And that’s when I remind myself, I like tattoos, right?

 

Go Ahead & Judge Me

January 27, 2013

So, I’m just going to go ahead and put this out there to be judged.

I’m going through shock therapy right now.

That’s how bad my depression has become.

It’s a last resort & I’m desperate. 

And rightfully so, it’s been a bitch on my memory.

I can’t remember details of my life. I couldn’t even remember how old I was, I had to calculate. 

I’ve been a blubbering mess lately. I feel so vulnerable. I feel so confused. I may have even lost my job….

Shit happens for a reason and I keep reminding myself of that. People come and go into our lives for a reason. I just have to remember this right now.

I’m soooooo happy that I’ve been blogging all this time, as this blog now serves as my memory. 

So, go ahead and judge me. But I’m not living my life for anyone else but me. 

inside my head…

January 11, 2013

it’s raging inside

headaches on the horizon

i beg for no pain

i awake with them

i go to sleep with them too

i dream about them

i can not escape

i feel like i’m in prison

inside my own head

it has been so long

it’s been eleven years now

and yet I stay strong

January 11, 2013

My mind is scrambling to put words to my thoughts,

I’m just not sure if I’m making the right decision.

My stomach is in terrible knots,

And my heart is pounding as I vision.

 

“What if”,

It’s a never ending question.

As puzzling as a hieroglyph,

I’m trying to control my aggression.

 

“What if I’ll never be the same?”

The fear is settling in.

It’s enough to drive a person insane,

I just feel like I can’t win.

 

This is my last resort to help myself,

I’m hoping for some kind of relief.

The procedure is dangerous itself ,

I have to rely on my belief.

 

I’m led to where I’m meant to be,

And if this is my destiny, so be it.

Jesus, please hear my plea,

So my mind will stop throwing a fit.

An Update On Ani Girl…

January 7, 2013

My very good friend Tiffany came over during the weekend {she’s a vet tech and I can’t afford the Pet ER} to look at Ani. She did a very thorough exam, checking her legs, hips, spine, etc. Ani didn’t cry out once {Ani actually woke up earlier that day feeling better. She was happier but still wasn’t jumping}. She told us to still take it easy for the next few days.

So, I slept with Ani on the floor again so as not to have her try to jump into bed. I woke up to a very happy, hyper puppy today! I instantly knew she was feeling better. And when I was sitting on my bed and she jumped up without any pain, I knew she was well on her way to feeling better.

I’m still not letting her jump very much. I’m not playing tug with her {her favorite} because I want to make sure she’s fully healed. I’m so thankful that she’s getting better, I was a little hysterical when it was first happening.

Thank you Jebus, thank you….

A Prayer For Ani Delilah…

January 6, 2013

Something is wrong with Ani….

She’s not jumping onto my bed, she won’t even jump into the car. She’s been crying out in pain every so often, and I’ve just been a blubbering mess. My really good friend Tiff is coming over today to look at her. She used to work at the vet I used to take Ani to. She said that there is a possibility that I may need to take her in immediately….

I’m scared shitless. She is my child. My baby girl. My best friend. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

I slept on the floor with Ani last night. I don’t want her to feel alone because she can’t jump onto my bed. And if I try to help her up, she usually yelps in pain. Dale has really helped me out with this. He loves her just as much as I do. We’re both very concerned and it’s been nice having someone to turn to who cares about her so much.

She’s acting strange, just not the normal her. She has this constant look like she’s done something wrong. I know that she’s picking up on our anxiety over the issue. So last night I made her a comfy bed in the front room and me and Dale went down to his place to play video games and try and get our minds off of if for a moment. I think with us being gone it actually helped Ani. When I came and checked on her she was actually laying down on the ground {which seems to hurt her, so she hasn’t been laying down as often as usual}.

Like I said, I’ve been a blubbering mess. I cry when she is pacing because she wants to sit or lay down. I cry when she looks at me with her big brown eyes that say she’s not feeling good. I cry when I think of the possibilities that could happen. I’ve just been crying.

 Praying for you, Ani Delilah…

Stream Of Consciousness

January 1, 2013

my hands are shaking

my heart is slightly aching

my mind is a blur

panic has hit hard

i am overly anxious

tears stream down my face

i’m struggling with this

the feelings i have hidden

coming to surface

so much has gone on

so much that i haven’t felt

or even expressed

i’ve refused to deal

i haven’t let myself feel

time to get recharged

{ignoring} I’ve been known to shove my feelings deep down and flat out ignore them. I know this isn’t the proper way to deal with anything, but it’s just….me. For one, I’m still very concerned about my Dad. He’s relying on medication….medication that tends to stop working for him. And we’re talking about his heart here. It really freaks me out. I’m not ready for him to go and it doesn’t help when he talks about his death…

{double trouble} My depression has been terrible lately. I’m still the unstable roller coaster. Up & down, up & down. My anxiety is going nuts too. Today I had my first panic attack in quite a while. I can only deny my feelings for so long before they explode into a full blown panic attack. I just can’t help but feel hopeless as to finding some kind of peace of mind. This has been an issue for so long, and like I said, I shove the feelings deep down. ECT is starting to look like my next option….

{last option?} Speaking of ECT, I’m scared shitless of it. I know I’ve mentioned that before, but I haven’t allowed myself to feel the fear. I shoved the fear down and just pretended like its “nothing to be concerned about”. But it is. It has some scary side effects {as I’ve mentioned before}. And it scares me that this may be my last option.

{B.O.B} My head….I haven’t really told anyone, but I’ve been having terrible headaches. Like, worse than usual headaches. I’ve been feeling dizzy, faint, and something similar to confusion. These kinds of symptoms make me fearful. All sorts of scary thoughts go through my head….”what if my tumor is growing?”, “what if the third ventriculostomy {my “permanent” cut on my brain} has grown over again and I’ll need surgery….again”, “what if it’s become cancerous?”, etc. I don’t want to ever have surgery again. I’m scared more damage will be done. I’ve already had my memory erased. I’ve had chronic daily headaches for eleven years due to a surgery. I think I’ve had my fill of brain damage.

{secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets may hurt someone} I have a lot of things going on that I don’t tell anyone. I mean, anyone. I keep it to myself so as to not bother anyone else’ lives. I feel like a burden to everyone {wah, poor is me}. But that’s the honest truth. I don’t feel like I fit in any where. Suicidal thoughts continue to haunt me. I feel possessed in the sense that I just can’t seem to control these feelings/thoughts. It’s like I’m addicted to them. I’m obsessed with dying. Convinced that when I die things will be magically better. Whether I go to Hell, just disappear or some other outcome, I’ve convinced myself that its better than my current life. How do you reverse something you’ve been feeling for half your life? I don’t know how to click that switch off…

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