Not a lot to say tonight. Except that this is my last post as a “27 year old”. I hated most of the days while I was 27. Everything was peachy between May 25 and September 25. Everything after September … Continue reading
have i ever mentioned how bad my memory is? (slightly sarcastic as I’m sure I have) have i ever mentioned my gift of sleep? (again with the sarcasm because I know I’ve talked about that here) well you know what … Continue reading
I’m taking a prescription that causes serious weight gain. Like serious. I’ve gained 11 lbs in 16 days. Hows that for disgusting? I told my parents that I’d rather be “fat & happy”, then “skinny & suicidal”. i guess its … Continue reading
The purpose of this post is to express the things I have gratitude for.
“Let me know what I am able to know and trust that behind all events, no matter how painful, there is a reason from which good can come.”
Today I have gratitude for the struggles, mistakes and other unpleasant things that have come about. For if I had it easy, I wouldn’t learn anything. And if I didn’t learn anything, I wouldn’t be the unique person I am today.
ugh. I’m tired of coming here in hopes that it will help relieve the way I feel, only to feel like I’m repeating myself. Because I am. I’m tired of spatting out about my broken heart, my headaches, my depression, anxiety, ocd and AAAAAAAH! I scream. I scream SO loud in my head. I’m so done with this broken record of a life.
I’m tired of complaining. I’m tired of feeling so unwanted. I just want to find where it is that I am meant to be in this world. What is my purpose?? I know LOTS of people wonder this, but only a few wonder this after multiple suicide attempts.
There I go, again, with the complaining.
So cheers, here’s to hoping I can MOVE ON, and write about OTHER stuff.
as my birthday approaches,
my “normal” feelings about it come about.
feelings of depression,
feelings of wanting to NOT celebrate.
but then, theres that part of me that does.
what to do?
Thinking of you today, Abe.
We all love and miss you.
I’ve never been so unhappy in my entire lifetime (so far). My heart aches every-fucking-day, a lump forms in my throat and tears are never far away. I’ve got nothing going for me. At the moment. At, … ever. I’ve silently (and not so silently) given up. I may not actually speak my mind, but I sure love to blog my mind. Its seems to be my only way of expressing myself. No one wants to listen to me whine, not even me. But writing the whine down seems much better. (You can always skim and skip ahead if a post gets too whiney).
Life angers me. I’m constantly pissed. Pissed off at myself, at that person, and angry at the wind for blowing (trying to show you that I get pissed off at anything). I just pushed my blanket away and gave it the death stare for touching me when I don’t want that blanket to touch me. Yeah, I’m really pleasant these days.
My friends dont want to be around me, and to tell you the truth and probably repeat myself, either do I. But I’m stuck with me, people. Stuck. This fucking sucks. I feel like a blood sucker, a waste of skin and space. And after three unsuccessful suicide attempts, I not only feel like a failure but I’m angry at God. Angry as to why he/she doesn’t just let me die. There are SO many people that die, everyday. And a lot of them have these wonderful lives full of family and friends that they don’t want to leave. But they die anyway. And I’m stuck in my own personal hell, wanting to die. Praying for death. And it never comes.
Anyone know what its like to wake up and instead of saying “thank you for another day” I say to myself ”fuck, I woke up. Another day.” I daydream about the many ways I could die. The many ways I could attempt suicide. The many ways I could just disappear and live my pathetic life hidden away. Pathetic. There’s no better word to describe my existence.
And I’m spent.
I caught myself daydreaming as I drove home the other night.
“what if I just kept driving?” I said quietly to myself.
“what if I just kept driving….and…and just disappeared?”
It seemed like a good, justifiable thing to do.
And it still has some sparkle to it, to me.
That’s what I want. I want to disappear.
I want to be erased from everyone’s memories.
To be forgotten.
Fuck getting attention.
I need people to forget I exist.
And yet there’s a part of me that urges the opposite feelings.
The part of me that DOESN’T want to disappear.
But that part of me is the minority in this case.
And the majority usually wins.
So, with daydreaming eyes I dream of a day where I can run away.
…….
7 months have gone by.
since the day our relationship ended.
for the past 7 months, I’ve said this was a mistake.
I’m learning it wasn’t.
If you loved me like you said, you’d want to work things out.
You’d keep in touch, like you said you would.
You’d stop holding a grudge.
True love does not hold grudges.
I thought I had true love with you.
But, I guess its just, “i’m the one who left”.
Today marks one month till my birthday.
And this year? This year, I’m celebrating.
I don’t usually like to celebrate it.
In the past, I didn’t think of my day of birth as something to celebrate.
Well friends, after my last suicide attempt, I am happy to celebrate.
Another year, I made it.
Another year under my belt.
Another year of lessons learned.
I may not have a party,
but inside, I will recognize the BEST gift I’ve been given.
My life is worthy.
its been four weeks…
four weeks since you said you wanted to be friends,
four weeks since you turned me down, yet again.
four weeks since I’ve heard from you.
and that’s four weeks too long.
what started out as a small whirlwind,
is now much bigger.
For I have sinned.
And am about to pull the trigger.
You see,
I’m caught in a tornado.
But I desperatly want to flee,
but I’m trapped, done, cooked; like alfredo.
so I’ve learned my from my mistakes,
its too early, too soon.
My heart, still constantly aches,
So I’ll just look at the stars and the moon.
