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I can’t deal, ya dig?

July 4, 2014

Here is a compilation of discussions about epilepsy/seizures that I found. I’m having a hard time putting my own feelings to words these days, but these folks seem to know exactly how I feel:

I feel absolutely horrible lately – like there’s a monster growing inside me; and I can’t stand it. 

It’s been a rough two weeks, full of aches, pains, headaches, memory loss, and of course – ANXIETY. 

I’m left with a lingering sadness, and a building fury. 

All I want to do is be alone. 

I feel like I’ve got this great ball of anger inside of me and I stay frustrated with everything in my life. 

I think about every time I have a seizure, I get mad and stay mad for awhile, I think about why it had to be me. 

It sucks and I don’t feel like myself either.  

I feel bad for the people around me.  I’m a walking time bomb it seems. 

I’m trying my best to remain composed and be optimistic that my seizures will get back under control. 

the worst thing about this condition is that we all forget what happens each time it happens. 

i believe peoples patience may be wearing thin with how short and crabby i’m being. 

i’m also feeling like a caged bird without the ability to so much as go for a walk around the neighborhood by myself. 

i’m truly trapped in the house and just want to be alone. 

I try so hard to not let it bring me down but it’s not easy. 

I can’t drive. I feel like a child at times, I can’t do much. I always have to be with someone. 

I’m angry & depressed. I have mood swings. 

I lock myself in my room when I have a seizure or I’m not feeling well. 

I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve shut some friends out of my life. 

My seizures have changed me & the way I feel. 

The bad mood can occur as much as a day to a day and a half before a seizure and will persist sometimes for several weeks after – depending on the severity of the seizure. 

the desire to “hold up” in my room.  

Interacting with people following a seizure is something I find difficult. 

it seems all I do is cry. I am sooooo tired of the crying. 

Absolutely anything sets me off. 

being “grounded” (no wheels) and needing a “babysitter” (never being allowed to be alone, or bathe alone) all the time. 

I am VERY mean and angry. 

My friends are afraid to talk to me. 

I’m always starting fights. 

I became hermit-like. 

I became suicidal, too. 

I couldn’t tell people how I felt. 

I had lost all of my friends, they did’t know how to handle the “new me”. 

It took at least two weeks before I felt ‘normal’ again. 

I’m still upset and wanting to spend way too much time in bed or online instead of connecting with my family. 

And now I realize that has to do with being upset about feeling like I can’t be ‘normal’. 

Now my own words:

I honestly had NO IDEA how rough seizures are. I expect no one really has much of an idea unless they suffer from them as well. As I read through forums about seizures and read responses from all sorts of different folks, I can’t help but feel defeated. I read a response from a man who has had seizures for 54 years. His story was eerily similar to mine. He mentions spending most of his life living with his parents, but unlike myself, his parents are now deceased. :( he talks about the limited income from disability {I can relate} and he mentions that now it is very difficult for him to find a place to live. {Something I am very fearful of as I don’t have anyone but my parents at this point}. He actually goes on to say that he understands why people join cults, gangs, commit suicide and other things. Where you reach a point where there seems to be no way to solve the problem, who wants to continue living in the mental emotional pains that are 24 hours a day. He mentions that his support system, which was his parents, are now gone…not one person other than internet friends :’(….. 

….So….this is what I have to look forward to? Just an ongoing struggle to keep myself from being homeless??? This is fucking ridiculous. There’s no housing options {like an old folks home type setting} for people who have seizures/epilepsy. I’ve looked. One woman with an organization literally told me that my only option was a homeless shelter. I honestly told her “thanks for the hope” and then hung up. 

To say that I’m terrified of what the future holds for me is an understatement. And I know that the future is scary for a lot of folks. But when your independence, ability to work & drive on your own is taken completely away….how are you supposed to feel? Defeated, I tell you. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m sorry that my brain hasn’t handled all the surgeries, shock therapy, concussions & seizures like some would expect/hope. I’m sorry that my love of life, optimism and happiness have been replaced by anger, fear & pessimism. 

I can’t handle being around those who once cared about me and no longer do.

I can’t handle the pain I’ve caused everyone. 

I can’t deal, ya dig? 

“Seize” The Day.

July 1, 2014

Disclosure: This post is full of my random thoughts. Some are not even complete thoughts. You have been forewarned.

“remorseful” doesn’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling in the current moment. my mistakes are happening faster than a snowball effect. I am a master mistake maker. I have said some pretty shitty things to some of the only people who truly care about me. I don’t even know where to begin……

I’ve been having nocturnal seizures (Get it? Seize the day?? God, I’m punny!). So, lets start there, I guess. Of course my situation isn’t annoying enough, more shit needs to be piled onto my already full plate.seizures

I apologize that I’m not adjusting to my situation quite in the light some of you would. It’s become clear to me that you would handle this situation SOOOOO much better than me if you were in my shoes (Can you sense my bitterness???)

i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself…. so much. so much that I had no idea one could hate themselves to this extent. I just wish I would fucking die already.

“misery loves company”

i prefer to not be around people. i embarrass myself.

I’m waking almost every morning feeling as if a semi truck has run over me. its not a pleasant feeling at all….

I feel like such a burden to my family. To my friends. To everyone I come in contact with.

I can’t really keep my mind on track with anything these days, hence the random thoughts…

My brain has changed. I’m noticing more and more that I just don’t like the things I used to…..my tattoos included. :/

I thought my memory was bad before…..but I had NO IDEA HOW BAD IT CAN BE!!!

I deleted my facebook, instagram and twitter. I changed my phone number and most people don’t have it. Now you all don’t have to worry about feeling bad if you don’t contact me. You’re welcome.

In this moment in time, I cannot bathe by myself (someone has to be home in case I have a seizure). I cannot drive. I cannot work. I cannot be independent.

my neurologist has ordered a few tests to be done, which is lovely considering I’m beyond broke.

i think Ani is kind of scared of me (she sleeps with me at night and I’m pretty sure she’s witnessed me having a seizure). This makes me beyond sad….

so there you have it. An explanation as to why I don’t really blog anymore. of why people can’t really get a hold of me. of why I’m such a moody bitch….the fact is: my brain has changed without my consent and I am pissed about it.

Blood Is Thicker Than Water

May 17, 2014

They say blood is thicker than water.

As in, family is blood, they’ll stand by you no matter what.

In my case with half (if not more) of my family, the blood has clotted.

And the flow of love they once sent towards me, has come to a halt. 

An Eye Opener….

May 9, 2014

wow.

just, wow.

I’m realizing that most of my “problems”, I created myself.

Pushing people away, who didn’t deserve it.

Placing blame on anything or anyone but myself….

Blaming God, The Universe, my childhood, him, her, the other person.

Blaming everyone around me for MY failure to pick myself up and dust myself off.

Throwing thee biggest pity party for myself, honestly since the diagnoses of my brain tumor.

This.Has.To.Stop.

one step at a time.

I just have to remind myself that just because I’ve made a few mistakes doesn’t mean my life is forever doomed.

….and I might want to start REALLY thinking about things before making life-altering decisions.

Angel Day VI

May 2, 2014

Angel Day VI….

I can’t believe it’s been six years since I stared into your big blue eyes beautiful boy…..

“I sure miss your smiling face, 

spreading love all over the place. 

I know that I’ll see you again, 

in another land, but until then, 

I’m gonna miss you.” -Victor Wooten

Thinking of you Abe….

Stay Little Star

Life Is A Cherry….A Rotting Cherry…..

May 2, 2014

Life Is A Cherry…..written on May 28th, 1997. Just shy of 6 months since being diagnosed with my brain tumor. As we all know, my memory sucks. I seriously have a hard time pin pointing when my depression started. I used to say that it started when I was 14. But I was just barely 13 when I wrote this.

 

rottingcherries.II

{In case you can’t read the writing above: “Life is a cherry full life, nice, plump, & very happy. I pluck it from the tree, and hold it in my hand. Then suddenly when you least expect it, it starts rotting, dying and turning into nothing that I would care about anymore.”}

This poem really bothers me. Puts a bad feeling in my stomach.

Because, this was the beginning of my battle. And all I did was embrace the horror.

{with a furrowed brow, I type….) this is when I started feeding the monster. Feeding the negativity that now runs so naturally through my body. The monster that I’m now trying to starve and kill….but my thoughts are so naturally negative. God, that statement is disgusting. :(

Everyday I struggle with the question: can I actually fix my situation? Or am I so far in that I can’t return?

I was twelve when I gave up on my life. I’m now {almost} thirty.

When will the regrets, the hatred, the sadness subside?

When will I let myself have some forgiveness? I didn’t cause my stupid childhood. I didn’t cause this fucking brain tumor to happen. I didn’t cause my chronic headaches………….

so when will I allow myself forgiveness?    probably never.

and that’s an honest answer.

 

 

 

 

To Ellen Degeneres….

April 12, 2014

Here is the letter I’m sending to Ellen Degeneres. It’s about time I take control of my situation!

A letter to save my life and the lives of others…

“Hi Ellen!!” Please read that in the voice of the beloved character, Audrey Penny. Now while my introduction is meant to put a smile on your face and be silly, this is a very serious letter. 

Ellen, I’m appalled. Suicide prevention is something I feel isn’t taken very seriously. I feel almost as though the world rolls their eyes at people who are suicidal. I’ve been doing some “research” on the subject of suicide. It’s becoming an epidemic, if not already. I’m so saddened and worried at the same time. Not only are there a ton of people {a lot of them teenagers} committing suicide, but there are even more BULLIES out there. You know, the “internet trolls”. I can’t even get myself to read the horrific comments people leave. I just read about what kind of comments were being left. And it’s disgusting. 

Wikipedia has provided me with the information, and for some reason decided to make a section of “notable suicides”. ok. so, this bugs me for at least one reason. Notable suicides? As if, someone else’ suicide is not notable? dumb….

Hearing that the teens responsible for cyberbullying one particular girl to the brink of suicide are still harassing her…sickens me. I read somewhere a quote from a girl who admitted to bullying someone to the brink of suicide, she said “good, I’m glad she did it.”. Um….excuse me? What kind of people are these??? When did it become ok to talk, act and think like this? 

So, I have a history of suicide attempts. Four attempts to be exact. BUT, my attempts are not related to bullying. My attempts have been due to having chronic headaches since 2001 due to a brain surgery kind of going bad. It was a successful surgery in the sense that it accomplished what my neurosurgeon was hoping for, but unsuccessful in the sense that I have headaches all day everyday now and memory problems.

I don’t really feel like going into my story. This isn’t about me. This is about the bigger picture. Suicide Prevention. I’ve called the hotlines, and they suck. I’ve been hospitalized many times because I was feeling suicidal and its only a temporary fix. I may not know much about bullying as I wasn’t ever really bullied. But, I do know what it feels like to be so desperate, sad and alone that you just want to die. 

Ellen, I truly feel that my life has been spared for a reason. For a purpose. To stand up for those who have committed suicide and to be there for anyone who is considering it. Someone has to do it, so why not me? I have a blog, and I would love for you to see/read it. https://fireworkssparklerainbow.wordpress.com/ 

I love you and I hope to hear from you! 

Maggy

So that was my letter. I hope she likes it. NOW, I need some help! Please help me get in contact with her! Re-Blog, or Re-Tweet this, please! I love all of my readers and even the non-readers {i guess, haha. jk}!!

“Warning”

April 10, 2014

When she woke in the morning
she knew that her life had passed her by.
And she called out a warning,
“Don’t ever let life pass you by.”

“Warning” by Incubus

Image

The above photo was taken on April 3rd, 2014. Exactly one week from today. I had just gotten home from my neurologists office. I had a good cry as I snuggled with my Ani girl and thought I would catch her sweet snuggles with a pic. I was crying because my neurologist basically confirmed that I did indeed have a seizure. I had to quit my job that day and I can’t drive for three months. I pretty much haven’t left my bed since.

I remembered the song “Warning” by Incubus today. The lyrics couldn’t ring truer for me at this moment in my life. I feel like I’m just allowing my life to crumble before me. I watch in awe as friends and family slowly {and not so slowly} back away from the train wreck that is my life. So, I could either A: continue on path “destroy Maggy” or B: keep fucking fighting. …….. I really want to do B. I just don’t know if I have any more fight left in me.

I was scheduled to have two EEG’s and then a follow up with my neurologist. And I was also set up to have my regular MRI to check on my tumor to make sure it’s the same. Well, yesterday I cancelled them all. Each doctors visit is a $40 copay. Between not being able to afford them all and not giving a shit if I died at this very moment, I cancelled them all. Why go? We know I had a seizure, I don’t really care to know where exactly it happened in my brain, etc. And I sure as hell do not want to be prescribed a medication for them. I’m done with meds.

To get back on track of this post, “don’t ever let life pass you by”…. I’m trying to set goals for myself. And I’m trying to get out of the house…. baby steps…

April 3, 2014

i can’t get myself to do much these days.

in the past year, my head/brain has endured 17 shock treatments, 2 concussions & at least one seizure.

i had an appointment with my neurologist this morning. she’s putting me on seizure meds as she is concerned this may become an issue {having seizures}.

i had to quit my part time job today.

and i can’t drive for 3 months.

my view on myself is quickly dwindling.

so, i sit here in my parents basement. at almost 30 years old. watching reruns of old tv sitcoms.

i just don’t see a reason.

what is my purpose?

to show people what NOT to do?

I continue to grow more and more bitter.

everyday I wake up & wish I hadn’t.

I can’t really write.

I haven’t taken any photos in FOREVER.

my brow is permanently furrowed.

i’m angry.

i told my mom today that I do have a huge regret. that if i could go back in time, I would go to 1996 and not tell a single soul about the noise in my ear {which led to the diagnosis of my brain tumor} and let nature take its course.

everyday i fight the urge to harm myself.

everyday i push suicidal thoughts away.

it feels like my memory is getting worse as well. i can barely recall what happened yesterday.

im just a miserable soul.

i have very few friends these days.

and i hardly talk to my family.

i just don’t see a purpose…

 

 

My Interpretation Of How Depression Feels…

January 19, 2014

 

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Respect For Oneself

January 19, 2014

Authentic, loving, genuine & nice.

The things that I don’t even think about twice.

I like to wear my heart on my fuckin’ sleeve,

call me emotional, its just the way that I be.

I try my hardest to be my own person,

I look towards the sky so things don’t worsen.

I try to treat everyone the way that I want to be treated.

Wait just a second, this shit’s ‘bout to get heated.

They fucking fried my brain seventeen different times,

call me crazy all you want but this one’s ’bout rhymes.

I’m normal as shit, if not more-so than yourself,

I see what all this is worth, remember oneself.

It’s about being comfortable in your own skin,

If you can love yourself, then you fucking win.

Before you can try to love anyone else,

learn to love you, that’s it, just yourself.

When you talk to yourself, as all of us do,

remember one thing, to think it all through.

For you are based off of all of your thoughts,

try to be kind to yourself if that’s all you gots.

Its amazing to me how mean we are to ourselves

its true, the biggest critic is you, so watch for the dwells.

The “What If’s” the “why me?’s” may still come out,

It’s all about belief or the harshest one, doubt.

So while I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be,

It’s not about the differences between you and me.

It’s about the love that we share in our hearts,

the common interests are glowing, the laughter off the charts.

I don’t give a shit about the color of your skin,

if both of us can get past that, then both of us win.

I care about who you are as an individual,

our faults as human beings is very forgivable.

So next time you say, “I hate myself” think twice,

stop in your tracks, and say something that is truly nice.

If you keep on doing this, and you keep on trying hard,

loving your self won’t be so difficult, its a nice change, a different card.

 

I hope that this rhyme really gets through to you,

what I’m trying to say, the thoughts I’m trying to stick to.

and maybe you will join me, in changing your thoughts,

to positive thinking, positive actions & simply loving lots.

Respect and love one another.

Happy Birthday Ani Delilah!!

December 24, 2013

ani.4.1

 

I love you with all my heart!!!

Our Universe

December 23, 2013

The absolute magnitude

I feel when you are near

It’s indescribable, your aptitude

It’s a whole new atmosphere

 

A constellation sketches out my heart

Forming a galaxy of love

This love is an art

I can’t help but gaze above

 

Gravity has no effect on me

I’m floating in pure bliss

Novas don’t have anything on we

Every time is like our first kiss

Pure Bliss….

December 20, 2013

onthewaytochapel

I’m living in what feels like a dream

I found my prince and married him

And I can’t help but let my happiness beam

We went to Vegas on a whim

8X10MrandMrs

We treat each other like gold, as it should be

I love him with all my heart

now there’s no “you” or “me” but instead it’s “we”

it’s hard when we’re apart

TBI’s & Suicidal Tendancies

September 28, 2013

I woke up this morning feeling rather suicidal. A feeling I am all too familiar with. I’ve always blamed things like: my headaches, my depression, etc. causing me to feel this way. I now know that 1 in 3 people who get a TBI become suicidal….and this makes so much sense to me! Especially since I’ve had multiple TBI’s. I’ve never understood why my brain continues to tell me “you need to die. you’re not going to get better. give up” and this TedTalks video explains this kind of behavior.

I’m not justifying my suicidal tendencies, rather just sharing information that is vital to my situation. I don’t expect people to understand, but to just be more open-minded. I didn’t choose to think this way. I didn’t ask for this bullshit. My brain has been damaged, and  I fear I am unrepairable.

I can’t help but cry every time I watch this video. For two reasons: I can completely relate to how Jane felt & I hope to one day conquer this battle just as she did….but I cry because I feel it’s hopeless. I cry because my brain has been telling me this shit for fourteen years now. {at least} I cry because I continue to experience non-stop headaches, memory loss,  mental fog & suicidal feelings. I cry because I don’t see a future for myself.  I haven’t in over a decade. I used to plan my future, now I dread it.

“I hate myself”, “I hope I die today”. Things that my brain has been telling me for so long. So long, in fact, that I believe those two statements. I can’t even begin to describe what it’s like to wake up, everyday, with a severe headache & suicidal thoughts. It’s a battle. A battle to live. I am my own worst enemy.

So, am I psychotic? No. Just damaged.

Do I believe I can overcome this? Honestly? No. I don’t have faith in myself. I don’t remember the last time I “believed” in myself. Literally. I hesitate to write out the next sentence: I honestly believe my death will, one day, be by suicide. That day is not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But I’ve always felt that’s the way I’m going to go. By my own hands. And perhaps it’s not from my many TBI’s, perhaps its because I was introduced to suicide being an easy way out of a sticky situation at a young age….either way, this is the way I think.

The Beginning & The End

September 24, 2013

This post will be brief. I don’t have it in me to go into detail as to what exactly “The Beginning & The End” means. Brief. Very Brief.

The Beginning:

AbeCloseUp2

Today is Abram’s birthday. He would be six years old. I love and miss this little boy.

The End:

In two days, on September 26th 2013, it will be two years since I broke up with Dale. I still struggle with this topic, but am doing better. But….the truth is, I love him. Always have, always will….

the struggle.

September 24, 2013

I struggle with my words.

To put to my feelings.

The lines all look blurred.

As I battle with these dealings.

The “why me”‘s are coming out.

The “how come”‘s are haunting me.

I want to fucking shout.

I want to fucking run free.

But I can’t. I’m trapped.

The words stuck on the tip of my tongue.

I’m lost in this, I’ve snapped.

It burns like I’ve been stung.

August 14, 2013

August 17, 2013

I’m trying to control the bitterness I feel
replace it with joy
and pray to stay real

my mind gets so cluttered
with old habits of negativity
it seems so absurd
but my thoughts are my gravity

they will either pull me up
or they will pull me down
it’s my choice, my cup
to wake with a smile or a frown

“fuckin’ A”

July 23, 2013

Life is crazy.

I feel like I’m standing around people without their knowing. I can see the self destructive things people do to themselves and the destructive things they do to others. I feel like I’ve burst out of my negative bubble, which is a fantastic thing! I’ve worked so hard to achieve this level of happiness. But then I see others around me struggling with what I struggled with. And it pains me. I give advice and tell them that they can reach the level I’m at too, just with a little work. And I see the pain in their eyes and remember how hard and how long I have worked at my issues. It’s a long, intimidating road to travel. But I assure you friends, you can reach your goals!

For approximately seventeen years, I had been telling myself “I hate myself”. YEARS and YEARS this went on. It became a habit. It became a truth in my eyes. I hated myself. It wasn’t until my last suicide attempt on May 25, 2013 that I realized I had to take control of my thoughts. Every time “I hate myself” popped into my head I would stop myself, say to myself “no, I don’t hate myself. I love myself because….” and I would insert something positive about me. And I just realized today that I don’t say “I hate myself” anymore. It’s not even a habit anymore. And better yet, I don’t believe it.

So, I’m reaching out to friends, loved ones, etc. who need my help. Helping helps the healing process. Let me help you and in turn help myself. I’m here for you. I promise. And while I may be busy these days, it doesn’t mean I care any less about anyone. I can always fit a friend in need in. :)

Fuckin’ A, people. Fuckin’ A. Life is CRAZY. But I’m happy to be part of it!

a happy kind of rage

July 3, 2013

happiness raging

throughout my soul

My body is aging

but I feel whole

.

I take a look

deep inside

I’m an open book

I don’t want to hide

.

Repairing the hurt

One step at a time

I must convert

and my heart will chime

My Lithium Quartz

June 29, 2013

Years ago I bought a stone from a small shop. It was advertised as a Lithium Quartz. I didn’t know much about it, but I was drawn to it. So I purchased it. This is my lithium quartz that I turned into a necklace:

lithium.quartz

It’s absolutely beautiful with a pinkish hue. I decided to look it up on the internet to see what kind of healing powers it has and this is some of what I found.

“It’s lovely healing energy aids self esteem, and may help you if you have self confidence or self worth issues. It will help to heal relationships of all kinds, including those with the people you work with, friendships, personal love relationships and most of all may aid you to feeling more loving towards yourself.” – http://www.healing-crystals-for-you.com/lithium-quartz.html

Can I say, this is the perfect stone for me?? wow. I knew when I purchased it that it’s supposed to aid in helping depression, but I had no idea about the “loving towards yourself”. I’ve been working on learning to love myself again, but it’s been hard. And the other day I decided to find this stone again {makes you curious, eh?}

I believe in the healing powers of stones. I really do. As I believe our higher power is the energy created by the Universe. {but that’s another post}. When I wear the necklace I can almost feel my heart differently. It beats a little faster, a little happier. :)

“Healing Crystals For You” also says: “The vibration of this stone may help with stress, depression and anxiety. It will move throughout your entire body, healing areas of the aura that need help and activating all of the chakras.” …. again, wow.

I’m wearing this stone for good!!!

June 27, 2013

Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.”
― Dorothy ParkerEnough Rope

Forgive-Learn From-Forget

June 26, 2013

Last night me and my friend Sarah hung out for the first time in months. She stayed with me pretty much the entire time I was going through ECT’s {shock therapy}. She took care of me, woke up at the ass crack of dawn to take me up to the hospital, we were together 24/7. So, last night we were talking about that time. Nearly everything she asked me if I remembered it, I didn’t. But when we got talking about the ECT part, the memories came rushing back. I remembered it, the headaches that heavy duty narcotics wouldn’t even touch, the memory loss, the “identity crisis”, the confusion, the “mental fog”, etc. Surprisingly I didn’t cry when the memories came back. However, this morning when I told all this to Dale I wasn’t talking. I was sobbing. Like the hardest I have ever cried in my life {no joke}. Because as I was telling him how I remembered all those side effects and how terrible they were, I remembered all the emotional pain it caused.

Once I calmed down I explained to Dale that although those memories are hard, at this time I’m not going to “forgive & forget”. I’m going to “forgive-learn from-forget”. I’m almost done with the forgiving part but at this time I choose not to forget. I explained it like this: I most definitely need to work on the forgiving part but I need to remember for a bit while I LEARN from it. Once I feel I have gotten all positive lessons out of it and any kind of peace with it, I will then be able to let it go.

my six month goals

June 26, 2013
in the next six months i will:

i: start researching going to college. I don’t care if it takes me a lot longer than your average joe. I want me an edumactation!

ii: start researching a move. left, right or middle? Left=Oregon, Right=Georgia and Middle=stay in Utah

iii: get a job.

iv: continue to fight the battle of depression. I’m kicking it’s ass now, and I’m determined to keep the ass kicking going!

v: find a non-profit organization to be part of. So many directions I could go with that one!

I’m determined to build the life I’ve always dreamt of. I may not be able to be a neurosurgeon like I had planned many years ago but I can still do something great with my life! Go Me Go! :)

I Continue To Rise…

June 26, 2013

Everyday, it’s getting easier for me to continue to rise above. I’ve been reborn from my ashes and I continue to do so. And while I may still be delicate to the situations, I am a much stronger person.

Looking Forward

June 6, 2013

I’ve spent too much time

dwelling on my past.

Re-hashing my fears

and putting myself last.

I’ve attempted to take my own life

four times now, too many.

Hurting my friends and loved ones

all the while unintentionally.

I have to be strong

if not for me but for them.

I’m retraining my brain

to love myself once again.

I beg for your forgiveness

this time I’m trying hard.

And not just trying but doing

I’m choosing a different card.

If I keep looking in the rear view mirror

I’m destined to crash.

So I’m focusing on the present and future

And I’m not putting myself last.

So fare-thee-well B.O.B. (my brain tumor)

you’re not a problem, just a pest.

I can’t keep thinking of you

I’m winning your stupid test.

An Amazing Person…

June 6, 2013

I am in love with an amazing person…My Cocobear AKA Bummy Head AKA Cory is one of the best peoples I’ve ever known. For serious.

Photo on 12-29-12 at 10.07 PM #2

I just got out of the hospital this week and we got a chance to hang out. For some reason I was under the impression that he didn’t know about my suicide attempt on the 25th {yes, my birthday….lame decision}. We were just snuggling and he went on to tell me that he’s seen a huge improvement with my depression & anxiety. He told me how proud of me he is & how he’s glad that I don’t seem to be on the roller coaster of emotions that I had been on, etc. etc. etc. He mentioned that he is happy to be there for me. And he always is. I just kind of chuckled at his comment of me being off of the rollar coaster {as I thought he didn’t know about the suicide attempt}. He asked me what I was chuckling about, and I told him it was nothing.

Photo on 12-29-12 at 10.05 PM

“You’re amazing…” is what I told him. My heart was just bursting with love and appreciation as I stared into his beautiful eyes … <3 <3 <3 And I know he’s there for me. He’s shown me so many times how supportive he is. And I’m there/here/everywhere for him too. It’s a mutual support system. It’s quite simple, really. We are just there for each other.

Photo on 12-29-12 at 10.06 PM #3

I just love our connection. We are so very silly together! We enjoy talking in hilarious voices {or so we think that they’re hilarious}, and…well, just being silly. Haha.  And yet, when life calls for the hard times to happen, we are very much supportive of each other. He has been there so much for me, like taking me to the hospital quite a few times this year, being supportive of me during my E.C.T. and most importantly being supportive of me in the present time.

Photo on 12-29-12 at 10.06 PM

My heart feels so good when he says “I love you so much” because I love him so much too. He’ll always be my Bummy Head and I’ll always be his Silly Poopy Head :)

scared shitless….

April 14, 2013

I’m scared shitless now….

I feel afraid of ECT {shock therapy} now.

Last night I was taken by ambulance to the hospital…

I was standing in my parents kitchen when I just passed out and fell into the kitchen floor and smashed my face up. My glasses are destroyed.  I was hysterical. I’m so thankful that my parents were home and were able to call 9-1-1 pretty quick.

I’m in a lot of pain and I’m a little confused still.

oh, and not to mention, I’m scared shitless now…. :(

There’s A First For Everything…

March 25, 2013

My last post about Cory was just too short for everything that he has done for me. This will be a more “in depth” post of our very special friendship.

Cory & I met in August when I joined the Boppin Betties. He works at the cafe that the Boppin Betties would meet at all the time. He and I became good friends pretty quickly.

—There’s so much I want to write about him, I can’t keep all the thoughts straight to put them in order, bare with me—

Cory & Maggy.II

Cory and I hit it off from the very beginning. It felt like we had known each other forever. We started calling each other nicknames, kissing on the lips, and texting all the time. We even tell each other “I love you”. We had only known each other for about four months before my ECT treatment began. DISCLAIMER: I am aware that everyone has a life of their own, thank you. I’m only saying this next part because its the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts. He and one other person {that I had only known a few weeks when ECT started but am no longer friends with} were the only consistent friends I had. They both were there for me 24/7 for the two months I was doing ECT. And when I say 24/7, I’m not kidding. I am so grateful that I had him there with me during those very trying times. Especially since I didn’t even receive a text, email, fb post or any kind of correspondance from most of my friends {please refer back to the disclaimer}.

I refuse to dwell on the lack of contact from others but instead I am going to treasure the time spent with Cory while trying to piece my life back together.  I’ve thanked him several times for helping me and being there. His response? “Just doing what I can”. …. <3 <3 <3 That to me, is a true friend. Not only did he check up on how I was doing, but he was there every step of the way.  He was even in the room with me while they did the ECT a couple of times.

Regardless, he has shown me true friendship. He loves me, takes care of me, I take care of him and we just make sure each other are doing the best we can. And when one of us are not doing good, we get together to try and make things better. So, I’ve learned, there is a first for everything. And Cory has been the first friend that has not only been there for me, but has supported me and continued to support me after all of my craziness. We truly are two peas in a pod.

{Embrace Happiness}

March 16, 2013

embracehappiness

Tonight I am embracing the happiness that my heart is experiencing.

Words being whispered, “Hey Love” & “I missed you”, make my heart squirm.

Squirm both in that wonderful way of a possibly blossoming relationship. But squirming also in the sense that I’m scared of being hurt.

But tonight I’m not focusing on either necessarily, I’m just embracing the happiness in my heart.

A ~fantastic~ Update!

March 14, 2013

drseussyouerquote

Since I was hospitalized in early January 2013 and started ECT {I am now done with my series, I had a total of 10 ECT procedures} I can honestly say that I have not have one suicidal thought. My negativity is nearly gone, anytime a negative thoughts creeps into my mind, I simply switch it to a happy thought. I’m feeling so good these days even though life {with or without health issues} is tough. For everyone. Not just me. And I truly feel that I didn’t recognized that before. I was just so focused on me and my issues. Well folks, I’m a changed person! And for the better, too! I don’t think I’ve been this content in my ENTIRE life! I’m able to deal with my headaches and memory issues a lot better since I’m not so consumed by suicidal/hateful thoughts.

While things seem to be going pretty well, I am still dealing with some difficult things in my life right now. I’m not going to go into detail because I just don’t feel like writing about it all, maybe one day. For now, this post is going to be a happy one.

Things to be grateful for:

  • My loving parents who have been by my side for as long as I can remember.
  • My five siblings. All love me so deeply and are always there for me.
  • My twenty-two {so far} nieces and nephews, they bring joy into my life.
  • My loving friends, some come and some go. But the ones who have stayed with me through all my struggles really help me to stay strong.
  • My Ani girl. She’s the best dog I’ve ever met. She’s so loving and is always happy to see me!
  • My friendship with Dale. It feels so nice to have him back in my life. It was so hard when we didn’t see each other or talk for a while there. It just feels natural to be in each other’s lives in some way.
  • My little house, that’s all mine! {except its really the landlords}
  • The fact that I’m on disability. With all of my health issues I am so grateful to be on disability as I would be homeless right now if I weren’t!
  • My LIFE!

My Summarized List…

March 11, 2013
tags:

I’m having a hard time lately with knowing what to write. I have a lot of feelings stored up inside, but I’ve changed. I don’t want to put everything out there for anyone to read. I’ve started a folder on my laptop that is just for my personal writings. It feels good to continue to write, but at the same time I’m a little sad I don’t want to publish them on here. Oh well….

I’m working hard on remembering where I’ve come from and what I’ve done. With hopes that this time I won’t let them consume me but simply learn from them. I have a document on my laptop that’s called “My Life Summarized” and I plan on going through my blog, month by month, year by year. And I’m going to find the main points in my life. I’ve already got a few obvious ones but need to do more research.

I will not, I repeat, will not let the past events bring me down again. I’m going to embrace them as they have brought me to where I am today and have sculpted me into the person I am today. Wish me luck, I know this wont be an easy experience…

 

It’s Gonna Be A Good Day…

March 3, 2013

I woke up next to my cuddle buddy early this morning, I realized that I needed to get home to Ani. “I gotta go” I said to a half asleep, half awake cutie pie. We kissed goodbye, “I love you” we each said. And off I went into the early day. It was raining, still is, and it’s beautiful…Something about today…..it’s going to be a good one :) I got home took care of my Ani girl and I actually started cleaning my house! Holy shit, I don’t know what it is about today. But it’s already been a good one and it continues to be.

RainyDay

Rinse & Repeat…Myself

March 2, 2013

This couldn’t be truer for me right now!

Amnesia & Deja vu

My memory is absolutely terrible right now. But, I’m not letting it bother me. I know its temporary {as it is slowly getting better}. I have such big plans for myself once I can remember things :)

I’m going to go back to school to be either:

A: Graphic Design
B: Medical Billing {get certified}
C: Get certified in Skydiving {become an instructor or a tandem jumper}
D: Radiology Technician

I’m truly considering doing either A, B or D and do C regardless.

OH! While I’m remembering, I would like to announce that I have not had a suicidal thought or plan since the beginning of January {I believe}! That’s AMAZING, considering I was having them all day, everyday before.

Navigation: So one thing that is annoying, but I find hilarious {because really, I could either laugh about it or whine about it. I’d prefer to laugh}. I have to use my navigation anywhere I go. And I mean anywhere. Lately I have been practicing going home without it, but it makes me nervous. It’s weird because sometimes it just hits me: BAM! and everything looks unfamiliar. It’s freaky, but doesn’t happen too often and doesn’t last very long. My issue is locating the memory I’m looking for. So, I’m looking for some kind of book, book on tape, class, whatever that helps heal the brain after something as traumatic as ECT.

Change: I’ve noticed a change in my personality. I mean, I’m still the same old me, but not at the same time. I get awkward in social situations. Which is soooo very unlike the “Pre-ECT” Maggy. And while there is a sliver of disappointment in myself, I’m just going with it all. I keep reminding myself, I am led to where I am meant to be. And instead of dwelling on the “issues” I’m experiencing, I’m choosing to roll with the punches!

One Of My Besties

March 1, 2013

Cory & Maggy.IIThank You Cory, for always being there for me :) I love you!!! :)

 

A Ray Of Sunlight

February 28, 2013

When I started, I was in the dark.

While going through it, I was confused.

Now that I’m almost done, I see a ray of sunlight.

One that I’ve never seen before.

ir·ra·tio·nal adjective \i-ˈra-sh(ə-)nəl, ˌi(r)-\

February 26, 2013

I know that lately I have been slightly “irrational”. I’ve posted some hurtful things. Not on purpose, just posting how I feel. Everyone interprets things the way they want to interpret. So, interpret away…

  • I don’t want people to think I’m all about me. I’m not. But right now, I am focusing on getting better. So, at the moment, I am a little “all about me”. I have to take care of myself as I am the only one who can.
  • I understand everyone has a life. I don’t expect people to drop everything for me. I’m just a little sad by some.
  • And yes, I have been reaching out to people. But at the same time, I’ve been avoiding people too. Shock therapy has made me a little insecure simply because people now look at me like I should have been in the movie “One who flew over the cuckoo’s nest”.

It’s just this: only people who themselves have gone through ECT know exactly what I’m talking about. ECT changes you. duh. That’s what it’s meant to do. However, even though the changes are good, they can still be difficult to deal with. I don’t feel like the same old Maggy. Because I’m not. I’m uncomfortable at the moment because I’m trying to remember who I am and also trying to create who it is I want to be.

Right now: I feel like a completely different person. I feel scared. I feel alone. I feel misunderstood.

I can feel my negativity and depression slowly creeping back in. And this is so frustrating to me…I’m thinking I may need another series of treatments. I’m going to talk to my doctor about possibly doing another series instead of just being on “maintenance”. It depresses me to think that I may be having another series done. Why? Well, that means another month or so of my life that I won’t remember. Having to deal with the memory issues again, possibly losing my job (I have a new one) again, losing more friends, etc. What’s depressing about it this time is I will have to stay in the hospital the whole time as I don’t have anyone to stay with me 24/7.

But at this current moment, I’m sticking with maintenance unless things get worse.

I’m keeping my chin up, reminding myself that everyone’s lives have up’s and downs. I am no different. :)

~peace~

 

A Hard Lesson To Learn.

February 22, 2013

With everything that I’ve been going through the past couple of months, it has become clear to me who is truly there for me and who could care less. And while this has been a painful lesson, I suppose it’s good too. I don’t want or need to be friends with people who don’t truly care about me. And I’m not asking for people to drop everything for me, I promise. A simple phone call, text, or Facebook message would do. And I’ve yet to hear anything from some people.

In this time of my life, I really need support. I am so very blessed for all the people in my life who are truly there for me. I have a lot of support. But when I don’t hear anything from some people, it just makes me re-think our friendship. A lot. I’m considering un-friending {either on Facebook, in life, or both} some people. As it has become crystal clear to me where I stand in their lives. I’m just one of those people that if I knew a friend were going through ECT {or any other type of scary/extreme/stress inducing thing}, I’d at least send a text saying “how are you”. But you know what? I’m the type of person who would go beyond that and at least call them.

I just think it’s sad that some of the people that have been there for me the most in the last couple of months, I’ve known for a very little amount of time. And it’s even more sad to me that some of those that have known me for a longer time haven’t said one word to me.

What a hard lesson to learn…..

Keeping my chin up….

 

The Latest

February 21, 2013

I had an appointment with my ECT doctor today to go over whether or not I will continue doing ECT. We decided that I am done with my series {where they due a lot of ECT’s in a short period of time} and move on to “maintenance”  ECT’s. These will start out at 2 weeks apart and slowly over time will get further and further apart until I will no longer need any. I’m very hopeful about this treatment! I have an appointment for another ECT next week and while I’ve already done nine of these, I still get nervous. I know what the side effects are and how harsh they are right after the treatment. But I just have to remind myself that the side effects are temporary.

I went and hung out with Dale for a bit and I said to him, “I see a bright future”. And both of us were shocked right after I said that. We both knew what a huge change that is for me. I then turned to Dale and said, “Dale, you’re my best friend”. I told him how he’s always been there for me in every way. How he’s never judged me or looked down on me because of my health issues. And that’s when the tears started. I couldn’t help it. It’s been overwhelming losing friends or friendships just becoming flat out awkward. But then the tears turned to happy tears, I could and can truly see a bright future ahead of me. I still have a ways to go but I’m beating it this time!

And that’s the latest :)

My Next Tattoo….

February 19, 2013

A Phoenix Rising Out Of It’s Own Ashes, Being Struck By Lightning

phoenix.lightning

So, I just found some images that I like on the internet. This isn’t going to be an exact version of what I’m getting tattooed. Just there to give you all some kind of an idea of what I see in my mind.

I truly think that after this tattoo is completed {somewhere far in the future….it’s going to be expensive, and huge} it will end up being my favorite. It has the most meaning to me. It has the most thought put into it. In case some of you don’t understand the meaning of either, I will explain. The phoenix is part of Greek Mythology. It is a long lived bird that is reborn from it’s own ashes, it symbolizes rebirth. As we all know, I am going through what I consider, my rebirth. I am rising out of the ashes of my previous, negative self and being reborn into something greater. Now, as far as the lightning goes that’s simple. I’m going through ECT {shock therapy} right now to help me be “reborn”. That’s what the lightning symbolizes to me.

I want the tattoo placed on my left thigh, like this:

thigh tattoo

I want it “large & in charge” :) Just like this. Like I said, I think once this tattoo is completed, it will end up being my favorite!

{I can’t wait!}

Create It. Control It. Own It.

February 18, 2013

Create It:

A new, positive perspective on life.

Control It:

Don’t allow the negativity to drive me.

Own It:

Be proud that I’m not only trying, but doing.

Learning To Trust My Gut Instinct…

February 18, 2013

With going through shock therapy recently, my memory is absolutely terrible. I had a small situation happen the other day that made me realize that I need to learn how to trust my gut instinct. I was driving in my neighborhood and there is this one road that my navigation doesnt recognize. Deep in my gut, I knew that I had used that road previously.

I went with my gut feeling and took the road anyway. It all came flooding back to me which roads I used from there and where they would lead me. It was quite…..wonderful to have that feeling. The feeling of trusting and believing myself. I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced that feeling in my entire lifetime.

Speaking of good feelings, I haven’t had one suicidal thought since going through shock therapy! This is an extraordinarily surprising thing as I have been plagued with thoughts and plans of suicide since I was about fifteen. And while I am still struggling with the feelings of depression, I feel a whole lot better! I have an appointment with my ECT doctor this week and we’re going to go over whether or not I will be having more ECT’s done. I personally feel that I should have at least a couple more. I’m already feeling so positive compared to what I was before ECT and people are noticing it as well. This tells me that the treatment is working.

I really feel that this is my second chance in life. My second chance at becoming who it is I truly want and need to be. And what I’ve always wanted to be is educated, independent, positive, loving, and every other good thing someone can be! No more negativity, no more hatred, just love. I’m “reconnecting” with all of my friends. I say “reconnecting” because to them it’s not reconnecting because their brains haven’t been shocked to the point that meeting an old friend to me feels almost like the first time but having all sorts of memories and love for them :) haha. I love this constant feeling of an “epiphany” that I keep having! Like when I see an old friend, it’s like “Oh yeah! We’ve known each other  for years and we went to this concert together” Or “oh yeah, I love this song!”. I’m savoring every moment of these happy feelings…

Cheers to second chances and learning to trust my gut instinct!

Not Much To Say…

February 16, 2013

…except, it sucks having headaches constantly. It sucks not having a fucking memory….but, I’m still alive and kicking.

Trying To Not Feel Rejected….

February 4, 2013

…..I’m trying to keep my head up during this time. It’s just…..not only am I going through ECT right now, I lost my job, I’ve lost friends and even some of my own family un-friended me from Facebook. I’m trying my hardest to keep my head up. To keep pushing forward.

This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.

It’s been a month???!

February 4, 2013

It was brought to my attention today that I have had 9 (?) ECT’s. I’ve been doing it for approximately four weeks…..and I got to tell you, it doesn’t feel like it’s been four weeks! It feels like I’ve had one treatment so far….it’s all a blur. It feels like I’ve only been doing it for a week. It’s crazy to realize that it’s February already!

I went and had a long talk with Dale last night. He reassured me that I’m headed in the right direction. He told me of the positive change he’s seen in me so far. And in this moment, I am happy with the way things are. I still have a bit to go, but I know I can do this! I will not allow depression to consume me anymore. I am taking back my life and am turning it into exactly what I want.

I’ve been very honest with this whole ECT thing from the get go. I had someone message me on Facebook the other day asking me if I was doing ECT. I responded “Sure am”. This person then went on to say that his daughter was going through ECT as well. We discussed some of the side effects from it and it felt so good to talk with someone who was going through it as well.

It’s a pretty damn scary thing, to tell you the truth. They are, after all, inducing seizures in my brain. I feel like complete shit after todays treatment….my head is killing me. BUT, I’m pretty sure I’m feeling better.

I can’t wait for my next tattoo. I’m going to get a phoenix rising out of its ashes, being struck by lightening. This is to represent how I am being “reborn” as a result of the ECT. I still have a bit of recovery time, but I’m over the hump! I can do this, I know I can!!

confusion…

February 2, 2013

….i’m drowning in my own confusion. its interesting being shoved back into a life that you don’t remember. Having to pick up the pieces that you just aren’t sure of. Having to read your own blog to get to know yourself again…..fuckin’ bizarre I tell you what.

Shock therapy is a lot more than what I expected. A lot more confusion than I expected. A lot more……where was I going with that sentence? I lose my track of thought constantly. I’m repeating myself constantly.

Everything is so frustrating right now. I lost my job, even after my sweet employer told me my job was safe. I can’t live by myself like I have been, I have to have a friend stay with me. It’s weird going from super independent to super….not.

All of this has inspired my next tattoo. I’m going to get a phoenix rising out of its ashes, being struck by lightening. And it’s going on my thigh. And that’s when I remind myself, I like tattoos, right?